The Christmas Letter

This past Christmas season I was surprised by a renewed contact from many years ago. Travis and I received a Christmas card from landlords of mine, Johnny and Bev Barnes, from back in the 1990s. We haven’t been in touch really since we moved from the home they owned in 1996. I was caught of guard to say the least (in part because of how apparently easy it was to find my current address, but that is an issue for another time.) A few weeks later we received another letter. In it was a letter I had written at Christmas 1994 that had been sent to friends and family to update them on our lives at the holiday season. Bev’s note said she kept it for 26 years because she loved reading it.

That Christmas was at the end of what can best be described as 4 years of whirlwind in my life. In the fall of 1990 I was at the beginning of my senior year in college studying Mechanical Engineering. In late October, despite best efforts, I found myself pregnant at age 23. It was a scary and uncertain time. Through thoughtful consideration I elected to continue my pregnancy and was determined to raise my child. Unfortunately, the relationship with the father didn’t last so I was on my own to care for our child. My parents were upset initially but were always supportive.

Senior year in college is the time when my classmates and I were seeking our “grown-up” jobs. After assorted interviews and plant visits, the best opportunity for me was employment at Conoco at their Ponca City, OK refinery. The challenges were many. I lived in New Mexico. My future employer was unaware of my pregnancy, only learning of it when I had to set my start date in late summer as the baby was due July 4. I had no family or close relations in Ponca City. One of my classmates also accepted a position at Conoco so she would be the one and only person I knew in Oklahoma. I was incredibly naive about obtaining childcare and the limited opportunities available, especially for infants. Housing choices were also limited and apartments weren’t easy to find. In the face of all of this, my beautiful child was born on July 18. We were on a plane to Ponca City on August 19, moving into the Holiday Inn upon arrival because our apartment wasn’t available yet. I started my job on August 26.

Thankfully there were angels sent to help me. The woman who recruited me at college contacted me after learning of my pending need of childcare and connected me with her childcare provider, who happened to have an infant opening. I developed an immediate friendship with another new engineer that provided connection with my community. One of the amazing secretaries helped me cover the gap between rent due day and pay day when I was in a bind and inquired about pay advancement possibilities. We developed a close relationship with another couple who have supported us ever since in so many ways. My Sunday school class members were a significant source of support and encouragement as a parent since none of my peers were parents. I was blessed that God found ways to provide what I needed.

Single parenthood in an unfamiliar community wasn’t my only struggle between our move to Ponca City in 1991 and the day I wrote the Christmas letter. The early 1990s were a challenging time for the historically cyclical oil business. Cost cutting measures and reorganizations were taking place across the industry. Conoco wasn’t any different. About 1.5 years into my tenure there was a reorganization and layoff code-named “Target 2000.” I survived the layoff with my job intact. My time with the company thus far had been in one role; a role I began to loathe. In late 1993 I started to champion for a change and an opportunity to learn something new. I was too scared as a young single mother to attempt to leave the security of Conoco and branch out to a new company. It would mean moving from the comfort of Ponca City as there were no other opportunities for engineers here. I had hope that, with patience, an opportunity within Conoco would present itself.

With no suspicion of another reorganization on the horizon, in early 1994 my little family moved from a rental house in a less-secure area of town to Johnny and Bev’s house on John. I saw the house advertised and drove by one day, finding that I liked the area and thought the house was cute. Great rental houses didn’t remain on the market for very long so I found it curious that this one stayed available as long as it did. I decided to take a chance and called the broker managing the rental. It turned out this was the first time the home was to be rented so Johnny and Bev were being selective on the new tenant. Fortunately we fit the ticket and settled into our new home. A role change also looked to be on the horizon, but then came the announcement of a new round of layoffs appropriately called the “90-day plan” and everything stopped. That would begin the summer of uncertainty as everyone awaited their faith.

As I began to consider the possibilities, I finally asked the question many people ask when faced with uncertainty – “What is the worst thing that could happen?” When I realized my answer was that I kept my job, my fears subsided. I knew God was in control and, whatever decision the company made about my future employment, I was going to be OK. Ironically, I the last person I was concerned about on the day I was told I was losing my job. My boss had a terrible experience in his personal life just the night before and I was more concerned for him than myself. The severance package provided me with 9 weeks of pay and opportunities to access a plethora of job-seeking materials and connections. My final day was September 30, 1994. As I sent out resumes and made contacts for a new job, I was blessed with the opportunity to return to Conoco as a contract engineer – in a role I expected to receive before the 90-day plan was announced. The work didn’t leave with the people after all.

This was the backdrop to the Christmas letter of 1994 and the considerable changes in my life in 4 short years. As I read back through the lessons I listed 26years ago, I couldn’t help but wonder how much they still apply today.

I definitely learned that the right job was better than any job. I have made some changes that took leaps of faith over the years and have found satisfaction and growth afterwards. One was leaving the comfort and security of Ponca City, even in a contract role, to move to Texas and work for another company. A few years later the leap was returning to Conoco in Ponca City knowing another layoff could come any time. The latest was taking on a role I know nothing about at 50 and feeling like I started my career again at ground zero. Three years and innumerable failures and bumps along the way, I am finally getting my groove.

I mentioned learning to listen to my “little voice” and going along with my instinct even when my intellectual mind has reservations. This one is a constant work in progress truthfully. I can let doubts and insecurities cloud my thinking and either lead me down wrong paths or cause me to stagnate. Fortunately, there always seems to be a moment when realization dawns and I take the risks needed.

I noted discovering things in my life I felt passionate about and the need to add them to my life. I think it took standing still for a few weeks to see them. For three years it was frankly survival mode. I had to do what it took to get things done because it was just me to do them. That attitude served me well at times and was a hindrance at times. It was hard to admit I needed help because I didn’t want to expose my vulnerability. Years later, someone who has become a dear friend once stated she didn’t know I needed a friend because I never let on that I needed anything from anyone. After Travis and I met and married, it was initially hard to ask him to do things for me or to help me. Thankfully our relationship has matured these 10 years and we each fill the other’s gaps quite well. Making time for my passions is still something that requires attention. It is easy to get lost in the grind and lose sight of them.

I stated in 1994 that the most important thing I learned was to be patient with the future. Over the years this is still something that requires work. I still tend to want to know what the future holds even when I know that isn’t possible. Thankfully my faith in Jesus Christ continues to grow stronger and reassures me that, no matter what comes tomorrow, He sill be there with me.

Thank you, Bev, for keeping this letter and telling me how meaningful it was to you. And thank you many times more for returning it to me. What a blessing to be reminded of my perspectives during such a trying and uncertain time in my life. I can see the seeds of a maturing woman learning to be resilient with the challenges of everyday life; a woman who could see hope when it might not be easy to find.